I can look straight ahead from my parents kitchen table into their living room. When I look up, I see a Hospital bed. My sweet Mama is in that hospital bed struggling for every breath she takes. Cancer is ugly. It is scary. It is painful. Cancer has made me have to prepare to say goodbye to my Mama.
She is the one that gets me. She knows my moods before I do. She knows what to say, when to say it, and how to say it to me. How am I supposed to live on this earth without her? I have asked God that very question over and over again for the last 2 months. And, honestly, I haven’t stopped asking the same question about the loss of my son, Chandler.
We brought my Mama home on Friday, October 30th. I took a leave of absence from work to care for her. To say that being a caregiver is one of the hardest things I have ever had to do is an understatement. The needs are constant. Caregivers do not get to sleep. They live on coffee and caffeine and just to keep going the best they can. Caregivers go outside and sit on the porch to weep. Sobs from down deep. Weeping because of their Mama laying in a bed so sick and there is not one thing that you can do to take it away. You treat the symptoms the best you can but you can’t take it away. Caregivers cry because they are tired and when they are tired they feel like they are doing the worst job in history of caregiving. I have known those that have been caregivers but I never knew what kind of job this was physically and emotionally until I was in the position.
But, caregivers…. see, we wouldn’t have it any other way. We would do it over and over again even if we did feel like the biggest failures. Caregivers hold hands. They sing. They have full blown conversations at three o’clock in the morning because those conversations are things that need to be said. Important things. Secret things. Things that a caregiver will hold in her heart until she meets her Mama again.
Early this morning, I had to make a trip to the porch. At two o’clock, I stood on the deck with coffee with tears in my eyes. My Mama is struggling. We are at the end. I can tell you this but my heart still tries to reject it. Even though my head knows, my eyes see. My heart is having trouble accepting that my Mama will be gone soon. Out of nowhere, I started thinking of the words to Matt Redman’s song, 10,000 Reasons:
“And on that day when my strength is failing, the end draws near and my time has come. Still my soul will sing your praise unending, 10,000 years and then forevermore.”
10,000 years and then forevermore is a very long time. God spoke over my soul to remind me just as He has many, many times about Chandler that this is not my home. It wasn’t Chandler’s home, my Mama’s home and it’s not your home. Our home is with God and the place that He has prepared for us. We are just visitors here.
It’s so important that we get that. This is NOT our home. Death can come so quickly that you don’t even realize what happened. Chandler lost his life in one instant. My Mom was diagnosed with Cancer in August. She is laying here now struggling for air. We don’t have all this time to make it right. We could be gone in an instant.
We need to get our hearts right with the one true Living God. The One who sent His Son to die on a cross for us and forgive us our sins. His Son is the ONLY way we will make it to our true homes. Again, this is not our home.
It seems that grief has became an almost constant in my life in the last few years. Loss has been right at my door. Most of the time I do not feel like my heart can take anymore and that I am going to lay down and die of heartache. But, I keep waking up each morning and slowly realizing that God has plans for me. He isn’t done with me yet.
I made a promise to my Mama in one of our late night talks. A promise that I would continue blogging. A promise to keep on the path of healing with God. I promised that I would somehow use my losses to try and help others who are suffering the same kind of pain as myself. I will be happy if my ramblings help one person that is in the very same spot that I am right now.
For me this is risky. My heart is broken. I keep adding up my losses and I’m scared. I don’t really know how to live. I surely don’t know how to take risks. The pain is too much sometimes. But, I will trust God. I will keep pushing forward in the race that He has for me.
And, I just want to thank all of you who are praying for my Mama and our family right now. We feel every, single one of them and your prayers are carrying us through right now.
In keeping my promise, I have moved my blog over to an actual website. By doing this, it can handle the traffic better. However, it will not carry over my previous blogs. You can still see my archives and past blogs at http://www.branditrent3.wordpress.com.
Also, my new website is http://www.branditrent.com
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Love to all, Brandi